Dialysis and Emotions

Okay I’m speaking from the heart this time.    I am going to use a word I really don’t like to use so you can rest assured I mean all this with every fiber of my soul.

hateI hate dialysis!  I hate having to go to dialysis and spending the time there in an uncomfortable chair.  I hate the dialysis chair (with a passion!). I hate having to watch what I eat.  I hate watching what I drink.  I hate that I can’t drink any soda whenever I want.  I hate having to sit in the waiting room for my chair and it’s a half hour past the time I expected to be on dialysis! I hate that I have to bring so much stuff along with me to dialysis! I hate having to be nice to someone when I really don’t feel like being nice that day.   I hate giving up elements of my freedom to someone else to take care of me.  I hate getting home after dialysis and feeling like crap!  I hate taking a handful of medications every night.   I hate taking binders with everything I eat. I hate having to remember to take my binders with everything I eat!   I hate paying for my medications knowing that I have so little in the bank and it mostly goes to paying for my medical needs.  I hate co-pays and deductibles.  I hate that I don’t have the energy to lose the weight I need to lose!  I hate that I can’t get out and play soccer with my boys like I used to.  I hate that my eyes are taking so long to heal and might not get any better.  I hate that I can’t drive my own car and get around like I used to.   I hate that the government keeps trying to cut back on what they pay for my dialysis when the costs for it keep rising.  I hate that my expenses keep rising for things like food but my income doesn’t go up.  

I hate that kidney failure infects every aspect of my life.  Oh, but wait.  My kidneys failed.  Without dialysis, I would be dead.   So maybe I don’t hate it so much.


© 2013 DevonTexas

About DevonTexas

I am a person with ESRD (End Stage Renal Disease) which means my kidneys don't work. Forty or so years ago that would have been a death sentence but today there is Dialysis which means I can be hooked up to a machine that will clean my blood as the kidneys should. Three days a week, I go to a center and have too very large needles stuck in my arm to remove and replace my blood as it passes through a process where it's cleaned and the fluid is removed, a process taking a little over four hours each time. I want to advance knowledge about dialysis so that other patients can learn from my experience and mistakes. We shouldn't have to reinvent the wheel, eh? There is so much to be learned and experienced about our predicament. There are vast resources available to support us and enrich our lives but many patients don't know about them. There are also many issues that we have to deal with whether we want to or not. So I blog about them. All comments are confidential until I approve them. If you don't want your comment public, let me know and I will respect that. So, feel free to leave a comment. Enjoy.
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4 Responses to Dialysis and Emotions

  1. myballandchaindialysis says:

    Devon I completely agree with you!! I am 33and I HATE being on Dialysis. It has changed every aspect of my life. I fight everyday for my 2 babies to stay alive because what’s the alternative, death…..

  2. ellen cassidy says:

    Although I do peritoneal dialysis, I could have written what you did. The only reason I agreed to start dialysis and to keep going is because I have two adult daughters who are not yet ready to be without their mother. Between a rock and a hard place.

  3. nachomama311 says:

    I am with ya, friend! Even though I’m on PD and am not restricted to the dialysis chair and schedule, we share the same frustrations and I hate it too! Just know that you’re not alone in this and you are a better person because of it…and when I say “better”, I mean alive and kickin’! (Feels good to vent, though, doesn’t it??) 🙂

  4. Sara says:

    Yep, thanks for saying it and getting it out there, Devon. It helps to be so articulate, which you are!

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